This has a happy ending .

 

Soon I’m going to talk about myself personally, but the story is a bit loaded to write in a short blog post

Morning Demons

Yesterday I woke up in the worst mood possible for no reason. It was like some other evil force entered a small opening in my soul and reeked havoc on every nerve in my body. I worked Saturday 12 Hours , fell asleep at 12 and woke up at 5 AM to work again in hurricane Diane mode. My thoughts raced a million miles an hour and made no sense. Part of me was just hating my life , hating my job , hating everyone in the entire world. Which is the opposite of who I am or what I aim for . I couldn’t force myself to focus on God or what is beautiful , noble , pure , lovely etc, not at all. For those of you who aren’t aware I do struggle with some bipolar disorder, yet sometimes it is hard to say if it’s that or just a bad day, you can’t tell until a week of the mood . I forced myself to listen to my logical pragmatic side , telling me I’ll be ok by (arbitrary time)8AM once I settled into work. I asked God for the grace to go to mass afterwards.

A rare boring day

Thankfully , I had the same group of patients as Saturday. On our step down , we take them pretty sick, but don’t transfer them to the floors when they get better . We keep them on the unit as med surg level until they go to rehab or go home. All three of my patients were floor status and looked angelic sleeping in their beds. I had a fourth empty room of potential doom, but there were so many empty beds chances of an admit were low at the moment. I sat in a cubby area and took a deep shaky breath and sipped some some water. I slipped out of that weird possessed state and into catharsis.

12 Hours later

It was time to decide whether to go to mass. I had 2 Hours so called my mom in the parking garage . We talked for a whole hour and I lost track of time . Thanks God, I suspected you wanted me to go to mass since you are God After all.

Mass

I love Duke chapel . I will take pics in the future because you can in there but it was almost time for services. The acoustics are amazing in there. Everything was so relaxed and homey and there’s an energy of 20 year old high energy Christian probably sheltered new to life college students , all their shirts tucked in with their belts and tailored jackets while my hair is all over the place and I prob looked like I just crawled out of my own grave but that’s beside the point. I lost them sometimes from my fatigue , but the second reading jumped out at me.

 

The Second Reading

Brothers and sisters:I should like you to be free of anxieties.An unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord,how he may please the Lord.But a married man is anxious about the things of the world,how he may please his wife, and he is divided.An unmarried woman or a virgin is anxious about the things of the Lord,so that she may be holy in both body and spirit.A married woman, on the other hand,is anxious about the things of the world,how she may please her husband. I am telling you this for your own benefit,not to impose a restraint upon you,but for the sake of proprietyand adherence to the Lord without distraction.

Matthew 4:16

 

My Reactions

Talk of “being free from anxieties ” always grabs my attention. And this weighs on my mind at times. In Catholicism , you’re called to a religious vocation , married , or (I didn’t know this until recently ) consecrated single (you’re called to serve the people).

While I am almost certain I am called to get married, life seems to guide me otherwise for now. My then fiancé and I decided to cancel our wedding last year , and I was absolutely certain we were supposed to be together. Friends ,the one thing I found out is that God has called me to be uncertain . Besides that , my life is really pretty amazing , the amount of turn around I have had in my circumstances over the last three years , all through prayer and staying close close close close close to God. Due to my level of extreme (to a fault ) independence , it seems that married life would most certainly be a distraction right now, due to the enormous paradigm shift required of my mind. For now , I have all these blessings of being able to teach, heal , learn , and use my creative outlets.

This reading was good for anyone married or single and grappling with issues related to these. Do we need to focus directly on things of the spirit , or are we able to do this through / with a partner. Apparently the former , for me , for now.

I returned home, drifting into a pleasantly exhausted sleep.

 

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