A lesson from a novice (On boundaries)

This is a big topic for me

I have suffered with issues with boundaries my whole life. This may be an odd statement to some, I don’t (think) I appear this way. Often you’ll see me being forthright and direct with my needs.

Almost a non-issue

I think everyone suffers with this issue to some extent, whether it is crossing others boundaries , inability to say no, taking on other peoples emotions , clinging to others, codependency , or not letting others in. It’s such a normal issue , it’s practically not an issue.

Except it really impedes our happiness.

It’s a big focus for me, and it has taken too much of my life energy. I’m still working on it. This is my issue- I start too nice , and people who are lonely and in need of an ear tend to latch on. I give advice and empathy , and they cling more and more , slowly becoming black holes of unsolvable issues. They start to drain me. I feel that people should take a hint when I start to be more honest and firm with them, but their issues seem to get worse and worse , it’s almost like I’m mysteriously making it worse by enabling them to lean on me too much. Then I get angry, it comes out at them . It’s mostly just that I’m angry with myself , for letting it happen again . Then , on the outside I look like I have these extreme boundaries instead.

Don’t get me wrong

If you’re able to read this, (without creepily circumventing my Facebook deletes), it’s not about you.

Public service announcement

To needy friends , who try to cling to people who are distancing themselves. I can’t relate to this much , so my only advice is DON’T!!!!!!!, Don’t invalidate that other persons needs. don’t be a one way street , an energy vampire , a leech, a black hole .. that is just rude !

No conclusions yet.

I have little advice for others in my situation. I’m not having this problem right now , but it presents itself often. I’ve gotten a little better. My new thing is to check if my kindness is coming from the right place , or if it’s just to avoid “being mean” .. or worrying the other person will be upset with me. This is not true kindness.

What about you ?

I’m curious to see where others come from on this issue. I know there are a plethora of boundary problems. What have you learned so far from yours?

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One thought on “A lesson from a novice (On boundaries)

  1. I can relate. I also have had issues with boundaries. I used to set them as a child but my parents saw it as rebellion and deceit, I gave up and then to add injury to insult I caught myself being overly nice to people because I realized that I have a rather abrasive personality (like my father and I knew how it made me feel and didn’t want others to feel that way) but people saw it as a weakness. I have spent decades trying to find a balance.

    Liked by 1 person

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